A Weekend at the Mall

BOFH 9 Levels of Shopping Hell

Abandon every hope, who shop here.

Just the other day, I was dragged out of my cave, and forced to go shopping. As I suffered through the experience (not quietly, I can assure you) I realized that there was a a fundamental connection between my experiences and medieval literature. You could argue that it's actually Renaissance literature, as a matter of fact I encourage you to argue about it. Just not with me. I remembered back to the days where I was forced to read classic literature in what I call the bulemic style. Shove as much of it down your brain as you can manage, regurgitate it, and try to purge it from your mind. Naturally, the first thing that came to mind was Dante's The Divine Comedy. The correlations between his levels of Hell and the shopping experience, in my opinion, is clearly more that coincidence.

One theory that has not recieved enough considerations from the experts is that Dante actually developed his working model of Hell while shopping with Beatrice in about 1285 in Florence. Clearly this theory would explain the source for his inspiration, as well as the practical experiences necessary to come up with the gruesome tortures the inhabitants would recieve. He knew that this work would be widely read, so he toned it down from the shopping experiences, and instead went with the milder torture and maiming that is in the work now. After all, he wanted to upset people, not start a wave of mass suicide.

Fortunately for you, I have reconstructed what the original sins were so that they can be saved for posterities sake.

Circle I: Unbaptized : Dating

This is the least offensive of all of the circles. Here, you actually seem to enjoy shopping. This is because you keep thinking that it means you'll be closer to Victoria's Secret (ok, really you're thinking about Fredrick's of Hollywood) which will help you score. You're probably wrong, they're just testing your malleability.

Penance: Morning Wood

Circle II: Carnal Sinners : Engaged

Things are starting to go downhill for you if you've moved on to this level of Hell. You are now expected to give a shit about things like wedding invitations, cake flavors, wedding colors, guest lists and seating charts. The only bright spot, the only thing to keep you going and sane: planning the bachelor party.

Penance: 1000 Yes Dear's

Circle III: Gluttons: Grocery Shopping

Shit rolls downhill, and passes right by the produce aisle. Here you are relegated to questions like whether or not you want organically processed tofu or if you can make do with the crassly merchandised variety. Banish all kinky thoughts of anything from the cucumber aisle, and trudge along as if your will has been sapped from you.

Penance: Drink a six-pack of Pabst Blue-Ribbon

Circle IV : Avaricious & Prodigal: Jewelry Shopping

Not content with your mind, or your mortal soul, it has now moved on to your wallet. Questions likes "Oh, do you like this?" and "Doesn't that look a little small?", pierce through your carefully cultivated armour of feigned indifference like a pair of 24 carat diamond earrings.

Penance: Memorize the 4 C's and tattoo the color chart on your ass

Circle V: Wrathful & Melancholy: Christmas Shopping

"Oh, wouldn't Uncle Whogivesashit just adore this?"
Things have gotten bad. You're not sure how much lower you can go, but trust me, down is still an option. Your only hope of salvation is to start out buzzing, and end up drunk. Try to shoot for a mall with a brewery on-site. Failing that, fill up the Hydrapack with beer and hang on for the ride.

Penance: Stand in line and sit on Santa's lap while the scantily clad elves laugh at you.

Circle VI: Heretics: Gay Men

Now, I'm not a homophobe, but let me tell you, these assholes are out to get you! If you see a man with a women in the women's clothing department who is not
  1. Holding a purse like a football
  2. Sitting despondently in the chair
  3. Saying, "Yes Dear"
then they are gay. That's right, they are either enjoying shopping or they deserve an Oscar.

Do you remember all the times in high school that you teased the effeminite kid? Said something like, "That's gay". Shouted "Queer!"?

Well boys, payback is a bitch. If you're lucky, they'll have a little pity on you and won't say things like, "Oh, I think I saw that on sale at the other department store!" or "I saw a purse that would go fabulously with that outfit!".

Penance: You must cheerfully attend the day after Thanksgiving sales.

Circle VII: Violence and Bestiality: Clothes & Shoe Shopping

At this stage you are pretty much consigned to a lifetime of misery. The refrigerator will be stunningly lacking in alcoholic beverages, there will be a sale on, and you'll go. "Do these pumps match one of the 4,316 outfits hanging in the closet that you don't remember?" "No, asshole, it's dark blue, not navy blue". Trust me, death by repeatedly hammering your crotch with a size 14 platform shoe would be welcome.

Penance: You must not laugh when you see clothes from Sag Harbor.

Circle VIII: Fraud: Electronics

You hear that you're going to Worst Buy or Fry's Electronics and you get all excited. Did you know that they also sell appliances? No? Ah, too bad, because you really need a new washer and drier. Sucker!

Pennance: Write an essay espousing the benefits of front-loading washing machines.

Circle IX: Treachery: Hardware Stores

For the first time, you think it can't get any worse, and you're right. This is the final level of Hell. By now your spirit, soul and liver have been broken. How is it possible that the bastion of testosterone that is a a Home Depot or Lowes could be perverted to serve the forces of evil?

Ah, young Skywalker, you are a novice in the ways of Hell. It's easy, they sell things like rugs, and blinds and carpet! Muhahahahahah! You will never be free!

Pennance: Rub your scrotum raw on a deep pile berber sample.

Well, I'm sure by now the original horror of Dante's work has seared your soul. Remember, this is designed to be a lesson in morality and should serve to prevent you from straying from your path of rightousness and Sunday football. Stay true to yourself and you will prevail!