Who started this little card thing? Well, I don't know where it started in other parts of the country, but here, I think it was Fry's. They have since bought Smiths, which had bought Smitty's. Now, they've been bought by Kroger. Have you followed that? That means, I don't care who started it anymore, I'm blaming Kroger from now on. What's more, I'm blaming someone specifically. Everyone loves to rail against the 'corporation', so let's make this personal. I blame Joseph Pichler. If I were to guess, I'd gess that email to joseph.pichler@kroger.com. Why him? Well, because he's the Chairman and CEO. if I could, I'd blame the damn marketing puke that thought it up, but his (or her) name isn't well known. If it were, they'd go down in the annals of history along with the inventor of tire spikes and auto-dialers.
Now, the completely unsubstatianted rumor is that the grocery stores make more money off of selling your information from those cards than they do on groceries! Everyone says that the Phoenix market is 'extremely competitve' and margins are 'razor thin'. Well, guess what Orwell, I don't give a shit. You don't need to know whether or not I'm buying Crisco in 55 gallon drums for lard wrestling or not. This information should be at least as private, as I don't know, the porno rental habits of Supreme Court Justices. Title 18, Section 2710
Well, I am going to go out on a limb and declare that I believe this to be complete and utter bullshit. If margins sucked so bad, then why the hell would everyone be buying everyone else. Why would there be 3 grocery stores at each intersection in the city? As near as I can tell they're just trying to be really big Circle K's. I am also a bit hesitant when their net income for (roughly) 6 months last year was $238,000,000. (Ok, this is before their $200,000,000 in merger costs, but please forgive me if I don't cry). Source: Yahoo, derived from SEC filings
But still, they ask me:
"Do you have your Fry's card?"
Now, this is too much for me. Especially, if you do, suddenly they
act like you're important or something.
"Thank you for shopping with us, Mr. Powers"
Well, I've had it. I'm going to go get one of those applications and fill it out. They don't ask you for any ID, unlike at airports, so you can make things up. I've given it some thought, and here is what I'm going to put:
Lastname: Phuck First name: Buster M.I.: F Address: 321 E. West Dr. City: Scottsdale State: AZ Phone: 800-874-0467 FAX: 480-926-3998The goal here is to do a few things:
First, I want every time I buy groceries for the exchange to go something like this:
"Thank you for shopping with us Mr..(long pause)Puh-huck?"
"Nope, that's Mr. Fuck. Buster."
Second, hopefully the telemarketers that they sell all of this shit to will call the phone numbers.
Third, I get my savings.
Now, let's say that isn't enough. I'm just not getting the visceral satisfaction I desire. Well, then it's time to go to the tattoo parlour and get a temporary tatto of the thing on my butt. That way the conversation can go like this:
"Do you have a Fry's card?"
"Why, yes I do." Ziippp
"Do you have a hand scanner, or should I just sit on the glass?".
Well, you can never have too many disorderly conduct convictions.