BOFH Rant

Airline Checkin Questions

Update as of 8/29/2002!

My rant has been made obsolete! The airlines will no longer be asking security questions!

Alright, for my current job I do a decent amount of travel. Not the 200,000 miles you sometimes hear about, but still a respectable 50,000 miles. this means I checkin to airports a lot.

Now, the FAA requires that the little checkin people do 3 things:

Verify you are who you say your are with a government issued id.
Ask you if a stranger has given you anything.
If your bags have been in your control since you packed them.

I have to tell you, if I was going to come up with the 3 dumbest things to do and ask, these wouldn't be it. Nope, I'd have to say to myself:

"Self, that's not quite dumb enough. You can try harder".

Then I might come up with this. Let's look at these in detail.

1. Government Issued ID

Notice how it doesn't say which goverment. Most people show drivers licenses. That means State governments are fine. How about City? Sure why not? How about a State of Mind? I'd like an ID that has my picture and just says 'Warped'.

But wait, the fun hasn't even begun. Let's play a game. I call this game, Name all the Countries in Africa. You can't? How about, Name all of the Countries of the former Soviet Union. Oh, that's a tough one. Well, guess what, little miss 'perky at 5:30 AM' can't either. Make them up, and then make up the ID. Or better yet, make up a state of a made up country. Then have fun.

"Excuse me, Mr. Powers, may I see some picture ID."
"Sure, here is my driver's license."
"Um....I'm not sure I've ever seen an ID from Skrzny."
"What? It's the second largest state of Turcha, you know, from the former Soviet Union. They broke away from Crotchna earlier this year. It's founded on the ideal that the worker has a right to keep the money that they have earned. My father, and his father before them gave their lives to see Turcha free. ...blah...blah...."

By now her eyes should be glazing over, and she'll just be thinking about:

2. Has any stranger given you something to carry?

or sometimes even 'Has anyone given you something without your knowledge?'.

Hello!!! If I got it without my knowledge, how would I know?

Either there are some extremely stupid people working for the FAA, or there is some smug smartass out there thinking up really dumb questions that have no good answers. I want his job.

But, to get back on track, how do you answer this question?

My vote, go for shock value. How about:

"Well, he was a stranger, until he used me in that special way it the large stall of the restroom. Now, I carry his wicked voodoo love child, Barney."

Or, you can try a different tack, and answer the question they haven't asked yet:

"Yes, my bags have been in my control since I packed them."

Current odds say that they'll be so confused they'll never realize you didn't answer their original question.

3. Have your bags been in your control since you packed them?

"Why yes, yes they have. Inspite of the fact that it doesn't look like I could carry these three, 50 pound bags from my hotel, to the car, into the business meetings, and yes, even into the stall with me, that is exactly what I did. Ran out of toilet paper in one case, so don't touch the brown strap."

If that doesn't cause them to suddenly go catatonic something is wrong.

Turns out the other day I was at the airport, and the guy standing next to me did the unthinkable, and answered "No" to this question. I felt the whole world turn into slow motion. I tried to yell a warning but nothing came out. It was a very Brazil/12 Monkeys/ insert Terry Gilliam movie kind of moment. I expected that little globe with the needle from Star Wars to suddenly come out. I expected to see little teller window screens popup and for the dreaded Airport SS to storm the place.

It was very anti-climactic. Instead, the agent got this sort of stunned look, the same kind you see when a toddler runs right into a wall, just before he tries to perforate your eardrum. (Coincidentlly, this kid is always seated right next to me). She then said,

"Please open your bag and make sure everything is as you packed it."

What fun is that? And then, to top it all of, this guy didn't have anything interesting in his bag. Come on, if you're going to take our time with that, at least have frilly underwear or high heels in there.

So there, my rants on airline checkin. What a waste of time, eh? :)

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